Revision is so interesting. I love what Hemingway said about writing being like an iceberg, only 1/8 of it showing above the water. And then, of course there’s Anne LaMott’s “Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts.” But my favorite image connected to revising is something I read once, I don’t remember where, about an artist who had a friend, I think his name was Balthazar, who would dance around behind the painting, pointing out things that needed to be changed, the implication being that we all have that kind of internal Balthazar. I also love the idea that if you ask yourself something about your writing (Is it too ____? Should I ____?), the answer is probably yes.
Much improved, IMO. I love that the narrator went from the creepy stalker type you mentioned and its more of an unrequited love gone right kind of situation. Also, I really like the alliteration of "schoolbooks, bibles, baby clothes and bassinets" better than "funeral parlors, public schools, and bassinets".
Lastly and most importantly, ending the song on "we'll stay there til the whole world stops" instead of "cos it's the last place you can smoke inside" emphasizes the theme of the song...while the intro to the song is a world smelling like cigarettes, that was just a way of introducing a world where "he" never knew "her"....and now that they do, they'll stay together forever.
I believe you succeeded in your goal, sir! I enjoyed it and I appreciate getting a peek at some of your creative process. I vividly remember when the whole world smelled like cigarettes, and am sincerely happy that that is no longer the case! But I’d love to meet you at that Waffle House, and I’d want to sit in the non-smoking section, lol!
Upon reading (and imagining) version 1, then version 2 .. I thought to myself “I wish I could hear him sing it.” And then I scrolled down to the end of the article and there you were, que’d up to sing. Thank you for including your process. I’m very visual and both versions brought me in to another little world. I pictured the cars, sounds, pay-phones, clothing, wallpaper representative of that time, similar to what is viewable on screen in the series “The Queens Gambit”. Excellent territory.
Really appreciate you sharing this — seeing some of your writing process is super interesting. The new version not only ditches the creepiness, it really brings a lot of ideas together surprisingly and winningly. I love the line about plastic bags dying in the treetops but wondered how it would fit — the bridge ties it in perfectly. I also like the song stopping at the title line each time. Inspiring stuff for this less-accomplished but enthusiastic songwriter. Thank you.
Nice to see your process, Professor! Sweet concept and rhyming re cigarettes. Maybe move / switch the verse “once upon a time...” and place it before “and then one day...” But, also, alas, you can’t still smoke at that waffle house in Georgia, so maybe meet there and wait for the whole world to stop smoking?
Love it! Hope you play it in Richmond when you play there. You captured the moment. We would come home from the 9:30 DC club. Pull off our clothes and dump them in the laundry and take a nice hot shower to wash away the smoke.
Revision is so interesting. I love what Hemingway said about writing being like an iceberg, only 1/8 of it showing above the water. And then, of course there’s Anne LaMott’s “Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts.” But my favorite image connected to revising is something I read once, I don’t remember where, about an artist who had a friend, I think his name was Balthazar, who would dance around behind the painting, pointing out things that needed to be changed, the implication being that we all have that kind of internal Balthazar. I also love the idea that if you ask yourself something about your writing (Is it too ____? Should I ____?), the answer is probably yes.
I like the song, good job. 👏
Much improved, IMO. I love that the narrator went from the creepy stalker type you mentioned and its more of an unrequited love gone right kind of situation. Also, I really like the alliteration of "schoolbooks, bibles, baby clothes and bassinets" better than "funeral parlors, public schools, and bassinets".
Lastly and most importantly, ending the song on "we'll stay there til the whole world stops" instead of "cos it's the last place you can smoke inside" emphasizes the theme of the song...while the intro to the song is a world smelling like cigarettes, that was just a way of introducing a world where "he" never knew "her"....and now that they do, they'll stay together forever.
I believe you succeeded in your goal, sir! I enjoyed it and I appreciate getting a peek at some of your creative process. I vividly remember when the whole world smelled like cigarettes, and am sincerely happy that that is no longer the case! But I’d love to meet you at that Waffle House, and I’d want to sit in the non-smoking section, lol!
Upon reading (and imagining) version 1, then version 2 .. I thought to myself “I wish I could hear him sing it.” And then I scrolled down to the end of the article and there you were, que’d up to sing. Thank you for including your process. I’m very visual and both versions brought me in to another little world. I pictured the cars, sounds, pay-phones, clothing, wallpaper representative of that time, similar to what is viewable on screen in the series “The Queens Gambit”. Excellent territory.
P.S. I like the cinnamon raisin toast and coffee at the Waffle House. :)
I enjoyed that a lot. Hope you use it in the future.
No doubt about it - you are quite an artist!! Absolutely a smart professor too! The song is great! Thank you for sharing your talents with us! 🙂🌷
Really appreciate you sharing this — seeing some of your writing process is super interesting. The new version not only ditches the creepiness, it really brings a lot of ideas together surprisingly and winningly. I love the line about plastic bags dying in the treetops but wondered how it would fit — the bridge ties it in perfectly. I also like the song stopping at the title line each time. Inspiring stuff for this less-accomplished but enthusiastic songwriter. Thank you.
My favorite part of both is the “I’m not insane” line.
Ah, simpler times for sure.
Nice to see your process, Professor! Sweet concept and rhyming re cigarettes. Maybe move / switch the verse “once upon a time...” and place it before “and then one day...” But, also, alas, you can’t still smoke at that waffle house in Georgia, so maybe meet there and wait for the whole world to stop smoking?
A bit of ick is what makes it tick. Lol
“I knew how you’d taste when we kissed…” damn. I had a palpable reaction to that line.
I don’t miss the days of guitar cases and cabs constantly smelling like stale smoke!
Love it! Hope you play it in Richmond when you play there. You captured the moment. We would come home from the 9:30 DC club. Pull off our clothes and dump them in the laundry and take a nice hot shower to wash away the smoke.
I have that same memory of the 9:30 Club. ;)
Rescue Mission Accomplished, Professor. + Certified ick-less by my 18 year old.